my plan seems to be progressing well. i am not having any more restless nights and my dreams now leave me with a feeling of euphoria. the feeding session went well. noticed that the thing is growing very rapidly. it can move about its room, though not with any great speed. this only after a few days. my estimations based on its growth rate vs. food supply, is that within the week the thing will be independently functional. as long as its current rate of consumption does not increase.
the thing is satisfied. after an interminable period of vacillation and worry the choice to appease it was not as large of a concern as i had initially conjectured. simply choosing to move forward in this direction has taken a great weight off my mental strains. i feel almost pleased to have hit upon this singular solution. the thing has stopped it's constant damnable mewling now that it has a steady supply of fresh sustenance. indeed it seems to grow exponentially with just the few morsels i have supplied it with thus far. so truly in this case a little will go a long way. i am also saved from taking actions that i might otherwise regret. there is no regret in this course of action and once the thing is able to maneuver for itself i will be free.
it's been three days. it's howls have subsided to a low apathetic mewling. it won't eat anything i give it. i can barely make myself go into it's room anymore, the stench is nauseating. perhaps it will die and save me from the action that has been building in my mind. i can not take that last step into madness...not yet. some undaunting morality still grips what remaining faculties i possess. though i have profaned myself in numerous ways, still there lies a stretch of landscape i will not cross. though it's mewlings pierce the very heart of sanity!
i sleep too often now. it comes unbidden and lingers on longer than it should.
i can't remember them clearly, but they leave me with a profound sense of dread and relief. it is the relief i crave. i think the thing is driving me to break the few remaining taboos i cling to.
i must try to stay awake.
i think it listens to my dreams...
all the gmo's in the food and chemicals in the air. crap in our water. it was bound to happen. it took time, but now people are starting to see the changes. never knowing really where our sustenance comes from. who is preparing it? whether governmental regulations are really being adhered to enough? all so worried about the rising cost of material goods and the devaluing of human labor. too busy to pay attention to the only thing we really own in this world. i wonder though could it be more than just our negligent attention. is there a deeper design to all this?
advancing homo sapiens sapiens as a species has always been someone's aim. the wealthy have been screening their genetics for a long time now. breeding only with their idealizations of what humanity 'should' be. while 'we' change. has this been the goal all along? breed a stock of 'humans' that will comply more readily with masters orders? turning us into...
the thing started howling for something to eat. it is getting more difficult to find things it will consume. there are no more mice or rats in the apartment. it won't eat bugs and seems disdainful of dead meat, whether raw or cooked. the conclusion is too horrific to make and even more terrifying is what must come next. i can't rid myself of it. i have tried. yet i can't morally release myself of this burden, even though it is repugnant to me. why? is it because i cannot alleviate the guilt from my complicity in it's creation? or worse because i want to foster it's growth and then unleash it upon a festering and sick humanity? a humanity that has allowed itself to come to this. whatever the reason i must find it something to eat soon, it's howling grows more maddening by the day.
woke up late. the thing is asleep for now. i don't know why i don't just get the fuck out of here. somethings are hard to run away from. we all knew this was coming. can't just leave. still have somethings to do yet.